The Ten Amendments of Christianity
Your Official Christian “Get Out Of Hell Free” Card
Ticket to Brainwash the Populace
#1: Implementation of Christian Amendment System
Amendment #2: Jesus Christ IS God
Amendment #3: Jesus Christ's Official Birthday Moved to December 25th, 0000
Amendment #4: Yahweh meant “Jesus,” and Not “Immanuel”
Amendment #5: Move to Strike the Term “Jesus” from the Old Testament
Amendment #6: Pictures and/or Symbols of Christ ARE NOT Sacrilegious
Amendment #7: Suspension of Commandments Six, Seven, Eight and Nine During Times of Crisis, Inquisition, or Other Convenient Upheaval
Amendment #8: Implementation of “Holy Trinity”
Amendment #9: General Judeo-Pagan and/or Mythological Denial and Disclaimer
Amendment #10: General Condemnation of all Non-Christians to Hell
With this First Amendment to the Original Ten Commandments given to Moses and his Disciple, the High-Priest Jesus (today known as Joshua … See Amendment #5), We, the Self-Righteous and Holier-Than-Thou Christians of the World hereby declare that we have the right and privilege, granted us by Yahweh Himself on an unknown and undocumented date and time to Religiously Amend henceforth any and all Jewish Doctrine known as Historical and Religious Document entitled “Old Testament” (aka: “Torah”) to enable Us, The Christians, to alter the Original Word of God with our own, more Convenient History, Mythology, and other Miscellaneous Documented and/or Undocumented Evidence to aid us in spreading the “Word” (ie: Christianity, now to be confused with the Word-Of-God) of our new, improved, and half-human God and Savior, the Honorable & Ultra-Super-Holy, Jesus Christ! Amen.
We, the self-righteous and religiously inventive and manipulative Christians of the World do hereby state, under penalty of religious perjury which will send us all to Hell in a Hand Basket should we happen to have been wrong for over 2000 years, here do by solemnly declare that Jesus Christ is the official Son of God, and, further, that he is also God Himself.
Due to complications beyond the rational comprehension of the ordinary human mind or logic in general, we waive our right and duty to explain how it is possible for Jesus Christ to be both the Son of God and God Himself. He just is. So there. Please don't argue with us -- we are right that's all there is to it. (See Amendment#7). Amen.
(footnote: as per conversation amongst ourselves for over two millennia, we have self-righteously agreed that this Second Amendment is hereby valid, in spite of the original First Commandment which clearly states “You shall have no other gods before Me.” (Ex 20:3, De 5:7) (P.S. This is REALLY why we say Jesus is God -- we feel less Hellbound this way, in spite of clearly putting Jesus before God, and lamely stating he is also God:) With this Second Amendment, Christians Worldwide will no longer have to fear the reprisal of eternity in hell as a result of taking up an alternate God or Godlike Idol in substitute for the wrath like, spiteful, and rather unappealing original Jewish God, Yahweh. …Amen)
Due to the odd and unsavory fact that Jesus Christ has no known or documented birthday, We, the self-righteous and religiously manipulative Christians of the World, on this most Holy and Welcome day sometime in 336 A.D., due hereby officially appropriate the following Holidays:
From this day forth, in the name and general purpose usage of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Day of December 25th is exclusively and permanently reserved to celebrate the previously unknown and nonexistent birthday of our new Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Our God, Jesus Rocks and Rules – your Gods Suck!!! In your FACE, Saturn, Sol Invicta, and Yahweh! -- Amen.
(Footnote: Jesus Christ really WAS born, We Swear It! How else could He exist? Why would We make this up?? So WHAT if no one ever wrote down the birthdate of the most celebrated religious entity of all mankind, not to mention God's Only Begotten Son. It was a minor mistake. It's all fixed now! It only took about 340 years to come up with his verified and correct birthday, we swear it! --Amen)
We, the self-righteous and religiously hypocritical Christians of the World, due hereby state, under penalty of unending afterlife in Painful Burning Hell, that the God of Old Testament (AKA: “Torah”), Yahweh (AKA: "God"), did mistakenly convey and/or mis-communicate the true and correct name of the New Messiah under Section 7:14 of Original Jewish Biblical text entitled “Isaiah” (that is, Isaiah 7:14) as “Imman’u-el.” What God meant to say was: “Je-sus.” Can you say Jee-Zus? Say it with us now: “Jee” – “Zus.”
We profusely apologize for the religious inconvenience and confusion this minor error on God’s part has caused for 2000 years. See? Even GOD can screw up names and dates! Why, you wouldn't blame US, would you? We're Christian!
The name of the New Savior, Messiah and Official Son of God now stands well and corrected. Amen.
Due to the potential for discovery of the possibility that Jesus actually existed before his own birth, We, the self-righteous and Religiously hypocritical Christians of the World hereby move to Strike the phrase and/or term “Jesus” from all Old Testament records and do, under penalty of infinite afterlife in Hell, decree that all future versions of all Holy Bibles refer to any and all persons, places or events termed “Jesus” as “Joshua” (q.v.: Hab 3:18, Hag 1:1, Hag 1:12, Hag 1:14, Hag 2:2, Hag 2:4, Zec 3:1, Zec 3:3, Zec 3:6, Zec 3:8, Zec 3:39, Zec 6:11)
Please disregard and disbelieve the utterly insane and unfounded assertions that Jesus Christ may have actually been the same High-Priest named Jesus than scribed and received the original Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai under the tutelage and apprenticeship of Previous Mortal Biblical Superhero, Moses, although ancient bibles (e.g. Douay-Rheims version of Old Testament, Book of Haggai and Book of Zechariah) clearly state that this is so.
Anyways, original bibles of Aramaic and Greek do not even use the name Jesus, so who is to say who was named what, anyway!? Amen.
We, the extremely self-righteous, hypocritical and mythological Christians of World do hereby state, under penalty of eternity in Hell, and/or including permanent damnation and other miscellaneous related pain and suffering, do hereby decree that images, idols and other Jesus-Christ-related paraphernalia such as, including, but not limited to:
a. Crucifixes clearly displaying the Mutilated Body of Our (New) Lord
b. Modern artistic renderings, false photographs, internet images or velvet paintings of the face and/or body-plus-face of Jesus Christ
c. Religious or gentile video or multimedia wherein actors and/or 3D models portray Christ, our (New) Lord
d. All crosses or other religious Christ-adorned or tainted trinkets of warmth and worship such as plates, busts, shrouds, or plastic dashboard Jesui
Are hereby exempt from the Second Commandment of the Original Old (outdated) Testament received by Moses directly from Our (Previous) Lord, Yahweh (AKA: "God"), which clearly states: “You shall not make … any likeness of anything that is in heaven above.”
Due to the unfortunate yet religiously necessary fact that Jesus Christ ascended into heaven (Luke 21:50, Mark 16:19, Acts 1:2, Acts 1:11) shortly after His Rebirth on Easter, He does now and forever-after reside in Heaven Above at God’s Right Hand (Mark 16:19), and is currently officially in Heaven Above.
However, due to complications down here on Earth and our market analysis for the greater potential for marketing new Gods, Deities and/or other Religious Christian Mythological Products by using visual props and images due to the advent of Television and Internet Media, we hereby Amend Yahweh’s Original Second Commandment with this new and fear-free Sixth Amendment, allowing any and all interested parties to produce images and likenesses of objects in Heaven when those objects are directly related to, or are in-and-of themselves, Jesus Christ. Amen.
During Times of Crisis, Inquisition, or Other Convenient Upheaval
We, the holier-than-thou, self-righteous and politically and religiously manipulative Christians hereby declare under penalty of everlasting damnation in the company of Satan in Hell do hereby declare that, during times of Religious or Political upheaval, Witch hunts, Inquisitions, Missionary Expeditions into Heathenistic or Pagan areas, or at any other time and/or place which we so see fit, it is OKAY to:
a. Murder, as previously considered somewhat sinful by the Sixth Commandment, but only if murdering Non-Christians IN the Name of Jesus Christ.
b. Commit Adultery (Seventh Commandment) when molesting (includes Catholic Teen and Preteen boys) (oh, why not...and girls!! Merry Christmas!) or raping those of Non-Christian faith in attempt to convert, question, or generally torture into submission
c. Steal, as previously declared naughty by the Eight Commandment, when relieving dead and/or incapacitated victims of their material goods
d. Bear False Witness, previously deemed inappropriate by the Ninth Commandment, when hearsay, testimony, or additional evidence is necessary to impeach, imprison, or put to death those of a Non-Christian religions, beliefs, practices or faiths
Please refer to our wonderful results using death and torture to induce conversion and confession during the 360 years (1478 - 1834) of the Spanish Inquisition. Man, those were the good old days! We were the MAN!
No longer shall we fear an everlasting painful and disgraceful romance with Satan in Hell! Let us now go forth and Convert Everyone Mindlessly, slandering, hurting and killing off those of other Religions and Faiths, all in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! Amen!
We, the confusing, manipulative, and cleverly inventive Christians of the World, do hereby implement the concept of Holy Trinity, never previously mentioned in any official religious book of God, including, but not limited to, the Old and New Testaments, Torah, Dead Sea Scrolls, Nag Hammadi Scrolls, and other “official” textual documents of the ancient era.
As per conversations amongst ourselves, the Holy Trinity is hereby to be defined as a three-part “whole,” consisting of a Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Due to our self-righteousness, logistical problems, and a general inability to rationally explain our beliefs, we hereby waive our right of explanation and exempt ourselves from any further discussion regarding this topic and suggest you all just accept it and shut the Hell up before we use the Seventh Amendment on your ass. Amen.
We, the self-righteous, manipulative and hypocritical Christians of the World, hereby generally deny the possibility that Characters, Places and Events as described in the book known as New Testament may be based on preexisting Pagan or Mythological Characters, Gods, Deities, Idols or Heroes, and the entirety of book entitled New Testament is true and verified Word of God, not in any part fictitious, pre-mediated, invented, or intentionally created to convert and control members of other faiths, religions, or practices.
It shall henceforth be known that any resemblance to the typical Pagan 1) Miraculous Birth -> 2) Magic & Miracles -> 3) Significant Death -> 4) Miraculous Rebirth cycle of mythology, which was a well known recipe for creating hundreds of new Pagan Mythologies at the time, is purely coincidental and unintentional. Jesus Christ really was miraculously born, created miracles, died in a significant and interesting way and was resurrected and reborn, we swear! Honest! It did happen! He’s not like the other Pagan gods of the Era! This one is real, we swear – even if it means using the Name of Lord in Vain (Third Commandment – no biggie!), we Swear, Freaking Christ, do we ever Swear! He is so NOT a Judeo-Pagan Myth! Please believe us. You must join us! We are the only way! Remember…we’ll use the Seventh Commandment on your ass! Don’t make us do it! We’ll break out the Can of Tough Love, baby. …Amen.
We, the extremely self-righteous, manipulative, self-serving and narrow-minded Christians of the World, do hereby state, backed by our own Ten Amendments which we believe exempt us from eternity of damnation in Hell, that if you don’t freaking bow down right now and take the damn body of Jesus Freaking Christ into your mouth and drink his blood (no, it’s not a Pagan ritual, we SWEAR!), you will henceforth and forever be condemned to Eternity in HELL!
So, you have to ask yourself now, punk – Do You Feel Lucky? Do you think your puny Pagan God will protect you from our Cool and Awesome Jesus Christ, Heathen? I don’t think so! Better convert, or ELSE! Now! Go dunk yourself in a pool of water, Chew some Christ and Chug some Blood before it’s TOO LATE. Judgment Day is Near! You will DIE! We are NOT Crazy! YOU ARE CRAZY! You SUCK and WE WILL CONVERT YOU!
You will BURN IN HELL UNLESS YOU JOIN US! Amen!
This concludes the Official Christian Amendment Doctrine. You may be notified of future changes, and whether or not your noncompliance with said changes will permanently condemn you to Hell. Thank you for your consideration in this matter. Happy Brain Washing! Amen.
Note from author:
I think it is extremely unfair for Christians to be spreading around nonsense, and soap-boxing that everyone ELSE will be going to hell unless they "accept Christ into their heart." "Everyone else" includes Jews (Christ was himself Jewish), Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and probably you, dear reader. All anyone has to do is proclaim they are suddenly Christian, maybe dunk themselves in some water to make it "official," and then go around spreading ridiculous rumors like Jesus is a carpenter and Jesus is a fisherman. This is how blatantly bogus Christianity has become. Jesus was NEITHER a carpenter nor a fisherman! He was a prophet, healer, and messiah. But the obvious laziness and gross negligence of Christianity in general has warped the religion into something twisted and disgusting, to the point where pedophilia runs rampant in the churches (last count: 10,000 cases involving 4000 priests), and the Pope condones and protects these pedophiles.
Well, if Christians can condemn me to hell for not believing in some pedophlilic-spreading Christ, I can certainly point out a few major problems with the religion itself. It seems to me, that, according to the OLD Testament, which Christians generally "accept and ignore," it is Christians themselves who are all hellbound! Hallelujah for all of us who were smart enough to AVOID this sad and blasphemous religious brain wash.